Friendships end.
Romantic relationships end.
And sometimes, the end of a relationship with one person is far more difficult than other relationships ending.
Perhaps you notice that the pain doesn’t fade, it intensifies.
One client told me about a friendship ending that felt like she was losing a huge part of herself. She stopped going to work, stopped eating, and constantly wanted to talk about the friend. Other people in her life were telling her to move on but it felt impossible.
Another client kept begging his ex to take him back despite knowing the relationship was bad for him. She had cheated several times and was giving him clear signals that she would not prioritize him or be faithful to the agreements they had made. He would take whatever she offered, including now being the affair partner to her new boyfriend. It felt awful knowing she was in a new relationship, but he hoped she would finally see how devoted he was and choose him instead.
Like these clients, you may find yourself circling around in an endless loop of thoughts about your ex - replaying conversations, checking their social media, and hoping they still care.
You might find yourself scrolling text conversations, or imagining a future together despite evidence that your ex has moved on.
Perhaps you see that former friend enjoying activities with others that the two of you used to do together - and it stings seeing that they have moved on.
If some of these things sound familiar, you may not be dealing with a simple break up, you may be experiencing limerence.
What is limerence?
Limerence is an emotional state of obsessive infatuation with another person.
It can feel overwhelming, and is often one-sided.
It grows in uncertainty and is emotionally volatile.
You are in love with an idealized, fantasy version of the person, not the real version with flaws and strengths.
It might feel like you cannot survive without this person, and the neediness is palpable - a kind of desperate energy.
It feels like love but lacks reciprocation.
Sometimes when one person wants to end the relationship, they do it softly or indirectly.
If they fear your reaction, they might say things like, “let’s be friends,” or “I’m going to work on myself for now,” implying a possible future together just not now.
Instead of moving on, you find yourself obsessively thinking about the best parts of the relationship or how to fix it, and want to share these thoughts with them.
Even when they tell you more directly that they are done with the relationship, you fixate on how much you need them, or they need you.
If they mention dating other people, you might feel gutted or betrayed.
Since the attachment wounds are fresh, their emotional withdrawal can trigger mental fixation and emotional longing.
How can you spot limerence during a break up or loss of friendship?
You find yourself thinking about your them even when you consciously try not to.
You’re working like a detective to spot any sign of hope for reconnection.
Your mood is on a rollercoaster depending on contact with them.
Your emotional energy is spent tracking their words and behaviours.
You’re looking for a chance of getting back together.
You ignore all the signs that your partner has moved on.
You ignore the reasons for why you wanted to end the relationship, and focus only on the good times.
Break ups can be full of intensity and uncertainty, so it isn’t surprising that limerence might show up.
So what can you do to interrupt this pattern?
Stay tuned - this will be the subject of next month’s blog post.
If you need support making changes stick, I am happy to work alongside you.